Grief of self, honest faith, and the God who renews us still.
There’s this type of grief nobody talks about.
It’s not the one with a casket or a funeral service. It’s the kind that creeps in on you and you realize you don’t even recognize yourself anymore.
And chile… that’s a different kind of heaviness.
Not the “look at me now, I’ve grown” type. I’m talking about standing in the mirror, looking at your own reflection, and thinking, “Who is this?” The light’s gone. The joy, the expectancy, the plans you once dreamed of gone. What’s left is a shell of the girl you used to be.
That was me.
Mourning The Woman I thought I would be Now
When I read Ruth 1, I couldn’t hold back my tears. Naomi had lost her husband and sons. She walked back into her hometown so broken she said, “Don’t call me Naomi. Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter.”
And whew… I felt that deep.
I wasn’t burying a husband or sons like she was. But I was burying the girl I thought I’d be.
I left home full of hope. Focused. Driven. Everybody clapped when I left. I thought I was about to be the one who “made it.” But life piled on me. Silent battles nobody knew about. Finances I couldn’t juggle. Expectations I couldn’t carry. And it broke me. I walked away from what I thought was supposed to be my future.
That failure followed me home like a shadow, whispering: “You didn’t finish. You failed.”
And I believed it. I grieved the bold, Jesus loving, girl full of aspirations I used to be. I mourned her like she had died.
✨ “Don’t call me Naomi. Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter.”. ✨
When Bitter Feels Like Your Name
I realized the book of Ruth isn’t just a story about Boaz or romance. It’s about what it means to choose God when your future looks empty. It’s about running to Him when life feels stripped down. Because even in hard times, God is waiting for you to come back to Him.
Think about Ruth. She could’ve gone back to her people after her husband died. She could’ve played it safe, returned to the familiar, and tried to rebuild her life on her own terms. Naomi even told her to do that. But Ruth said no. She clung to Naomi and declared, “Your people will be my people, and your God will be my God.”
All the while, Naomi, the one who had seen God’s hand before, was the one who played it safe, went back to the familiar, and tried to just live in the bitterness and brokenness left behind. She was hopeless, weary, and stuck in her pain.
Naomi thought her story was over. She couldn’t see that Rut( loyal, chosen, favored) was right beside her. She couldn’t see that the same God who allowed her pain was already setting her up for renewal and restoration. And me? I thought I had nothing left to give. But God was still writing.
✨ “He will renew your life and sustain you in your old age. For your daughter-in-law, who loves you and who is better to you than seven sons, has given him birth.”. ✨
Let me be honest, I haven’t always chosen God like Ruth did. I’ve chosen comfort. I’ve chosen my feelings. I’ve chosen distractions that numbed me for a moment but left me emptier later. And every time, I wondered why I felt stuck in the same cycles.
Depression weighed heavy on me. I didn’t get out of bed some mornings. I didn’t want to face people because I felt like I was wearing shame on my sleeve. I’d smile, but inside I was replaying every mistake, every if I had just did this or maybe I shouldn’t have done that, every timeline I thought I’d missed.
And Girl, I still have those moments. The days where I feel like Naomi, convinced that God has made my life bitter now. But the difference today is this: I don’t stay there. I say a Prayer and remember what He has brought me from and keep it pushing. Because here’s what God showed me through Naomi’s story: just because you feel empty doesn’t mean you are.
Crying With Hope
I ain’t gon’ lie… I didn’t jump back into deep prayers. I started with the raw, messy ones: “God, I don’t even know what to say, but I need You.”
I asked Him to help me stop grieving the girl I thought I should’ve been, and start trusting the woman He’s still calling me to be.
And slowly… He’s been softening me. Healing me. Reminding me that even in the emptiness, He’s not done.
Do I still cry? Yes. Do I still feel the sting of failure? Absolutely. But the difference now is that I cry with hope. I cry knowing God hears me. I cry knowing Mara isn’t the ending.
So if you’ve ever felt like you had nothing left and bitterness has become your name, hear me: you’re not alone. I know what that aching pain feels like. I know what depression whispers. But I also know this: God still has Ruths walking beside you. He still has fields for you to glean in. He still has chapters left in your story.
I mourned myself, but God met me. And He’s not through.
Scripture Reflections
📖 Ruth 1:20 “Don’t call me Naomi,” she told them. “Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter.”
📖 Ruth 4:14–15 “The women said to Naomi: “Praise be to the Lord, who this day has not left you without a guardian-redeemer. May he become famous throughout Israel! He will renew your life and sustain you in your old age. For your daughter-in-law, who loves you and who is better to you than seven sons, has given him birth.””
📖 Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
📖 Ruth 1:16 “But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.”
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